


Take It All Back

by allyouneedissleep



Series: Winterhawk Bingo [5]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a sort of happy ending, Flashbacks, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29418675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyouneedissleep/pseuds/allyouneedissleep
Summary: Clint did a lot of messed up shit in his youth, he’ll be the first one to admit this.He probably shouldn’t have dropped out of high school to join the circus. He definitely shouldn’t have run away from the third foster home he and Barney found themselves in (the foster parents there actually cared about him and he was a complete and total brat to them). He shouldn’t have run away from the circus of crime (where he shouldn’t have helped them steal in the first place) to become an assassin. He definitely shouldn’t have gotten himself mixed up in all the illegal shit he didbeforeSHIELD came along (all the hand-wavey stuff he got up to while moonlighting as an assassin).But there’s nothing he’ll ever regret more than letting Bucky Barnes walk away from him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Clint Barton
Series: Winterhawk Bingo [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891426
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20
Collections: Winterhawk Bingo Round Two





	Take It All Back

**Author's Note:**

> This took me a week to edit because I suck. Also no beta, because we're impatient. 
> 
> This is 100% inspired by the song Take It All Back 2.0 by Judah & the Lion (and obviously where the title is from). I first heard this song in July and was like... this should be Winterhawk. And then it took me literally over half a year to write it and it severely deviated from the message of the song, but ya know these boys just do what they want. 
> 
> The _italics_ are flashbacks.
> 
> Fills my square "Argument" for Winterhawk Bingo Round 2.

Clint did a lot of messed up shit in his youth, he’ll be the first one to admit this. 

He probably shouldn’t have dropped out of high school to join the circus. He definitely shouldn’t have run away from the third foster home he and Barney found themselves in (the foster parents there actually cared about him and he was a complete and total brat to them). He shouldn’t have run away from the circus of crime (where he shouldn’t have helped them steal in the first place) to become an assassin. He definitely shouldn’t have gotten himself mixed up in all the illegal shit he did _before_ SHIELD came along (all the hand-wavey stuff he got up to while moonlighting as an assassin).

But there’s nothing he’ll ever regret more than letting Bucky Barnes walk away from him. 

\--  
_  
The absolute worst thing about being a SHIELD Agent was how he wasn't in control of his own schedule. If work called and told him he needed to be on a plane to Turkey in 2 hours, then he needed to be at the airport within the hour. There was no time for hesitation, and it made keeping appointments near impossible. He didn't mind having to reschedule his doctors appointments every now and then, but he had completely detested having to cancel on his boyfriend._

_There were many times where he had had to just leave for work while they were in the middle of a date, or when they were just about to sit down to eat. Honestly, Bucky was a saint for putting up with everything as long as he did, because Clint's pretty sure if the roles had been reversed he would've left a very early in their relationship._

_And yeah, having to skip out on a date had kinda sucked, but nothing felt worse than when he would have to leave his boyfriend while they were both in bed._

_Bucky was beautiful when he slept, his eyes crinkled at the corners as if he couldn't help but smile even while resting. His eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, and he always smushed his face into the pillow as if he could escape the sunlight for just that much longer. He had always looked truly at peace in Clint's bed and there was nowhere else Clint had ever wanted him to be._

_Leaving Bucky in the mornings had always been the hardest, and it had truly tried his commitment to his job every time it happened. He had always just wished they could stay there, happy, forever._

_Nevertheless, duty called, so it was one of many times that Clint pressed a kiss to Bucky's cheek and whispered that he was off to work. Bucky cracked one eye open, and smiled at him. "Love you," he breathed before falling right back to sleep.  
_  
\--

Clint has just finished another grueling day of working in the SHIELD training center with his coworkers. He’s just beginning to unwrap his wrists and dump his gear into his bag when Natasha squeezes his elbow. 

“Hey we’re going out for drinks, you coming?” she asks.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you guys by the doors?” Clint moves his head to indicate the outside doors, hoping she’ll understand what he means.

Natasha nods back to him, heading for the women’s locker room.

Clint sighs, looking down at his shirt. He figures he should probably change into something other than the sweatpants he was planning on wearing. He quickly gathers up his stuff and heads for his locker in the men’s changing room, he is pretty sure he has a pair of jeans in there.

He jumps into the jeans that were probably a size too small on him now, pulls on the purple sweater he has in his bag, and heads out to meet the others by the door.

“Looking good Clint, maybe we’ll finally find you someone to take home,” Nat jokingly punches his shoulder.

Clint just rolls his eyes, and follows the others into the parking lot.

\--  
_  
It wasn't often that Clint got to shoot his bow, well that wasn't quite true as he got to shoot it for work all the time, but it wasn't often that he got to shoot it for pleasure. Despite how much he used his bow for work, it would never be the same as doing so just because he could. That feeling of complete peace was something he could never feel doing anything else._

_He was in bumfuck nowhere Indiana waiting on Nat or Phil or anyone to contact him with his next directions for the mission and was told to have fun, go wild, do whatever he pleased. And, well, the only thing he ever felt like doing was taking his bow, quiver, and different kinds of arrows on a nice joyful date._

_There weren't many options for shooting a bow out there, which, honestly, surprised Clint. You would think there would be loads of hunting options in a midwestern state, and generally could find places that tended to allow both guns and bows. Apparently the area he was in happened to favor the rifle, so he had been kinda shit out of luck as far as nice ranges went._

_Still, he wasn't the sort to give up so he had found the range with the most square footage and headed over to ask if they would allow him to join in the fun. If worse came to worst, then he would have just rented a rifle. (It's not like he wasn't the best shot at that too.)_

_When he got there he slipped the guy working at the front building an extra twenty dollar bill and asked if they had room for him out there. The guy accepted the money graciously and handed him a bright orange vest to wear in return._

_After a good half hour of shooting, Clint had started to feel relaxed. Shooting always gave him a feeling like he'd just had a good orgasm, and this time was no different._

_He took a break to look around, then he headed to collect his arrows to start a second round. This time he looked for a spot that had a larger distance between the target and the area he was supposed to shoot from. As he bundled his arrows together, stuffing them unceremoniously into his quiver, he spotted this absolute unit of a man hitting clay disc after clay disc over at the skeet shoot. The guy hadn't missed a single shot._

_It had been a while since Clint had seen someone shoot almost flawlessly. He always admired a good shot, so when they locked eyes, he shot the guy a quiet salute and continued on his way._

_Another hour later and Clint was debating whether he should head back to the safe house or continue on his merry way. On one hand he didn't want to be sore in case they called him in to work, and on the other he had been enjoying himself immensely. He was just weighing the pros and cons of staying when he spotted the clay disc guy again, this time shooting at a set of targets._

_As Clint walked closer so he could make out the guy's shots, he saw that all 3 fake deer cutouts had a shot through the eye, heart, and stomach; all 3 were in the exact same place. He let out a low whistle, this guy just might be the best shot with a rifle he had seen outside of himself._

_He was distracted looking at the targets, and his hearing never was the best anyways, so he didn't notice when the guy had stopped shooting and approached him._

_"Like what ya see?"_

_Without even looking away from the targets, Clint nodded his agreement, "yeah man, you're almost as good as me."_

_The man sputtered, "al-almost? Pal I'm the best shot the US Army has ever seen, and besides you shoot with a bow."_

_"Yeah and I'm almost as good with a rifle as I am with a bow," Clint turned to look at him and instantly regretted not doing so earlier. The man was beautiful and he knew that if the man swung his way he was done for._

_"You wanna have a contest or something?"_

_"Depends, what's the ‘or something’ entail?" Clint looked the man up and down in a suggestive manner, "name's Clint by the way."_

_The man reached to shake his hand, "Bucky," he tilted his head towards the exit, "so ya wanna get outta here?"  
_  
\--

Clint is _not_ wallowing. He’s simply staring into his third beer of the night and wondering why he still decides to show his face at these Friday drink nights. He’s not entirely sure why they’ve made him their pet project, but for some reason whenever they go out they try to find him someone to hook up with. 

“What about that chick over there? The one with the blue dress,” Bobbi tries to discreetly point to a table at the edge of the bar. “She keeps looking over here at you.”

“I’m not interested,” Clint swirls the beer around in his glass.

“You didn’t even look to see who I was pointing at,” Bobbi drops her arm back down to her lap.

Clint shrugs while looking up at her, “doesn’t matter, I’m not interested.”

“Hmm,” Nat contemplates, tapping a finger against her chin, “I’ll figure this out.” 

\--  
_  
The first time Bucky told Clint he loved him, Clint laughed it off. Seriously. Because who could love the unlovable?_

_They had been walking out of a movie theater, their hands were swinging in between them, and Clint was laughing about just how shitty the movie was. He couldn’t really remember much of the plot since it was a joke of a horror film, but he wouldn’t stop making fun of the horrible dialog. He was in the middle of his sentence when he looked over at Bucky and just said “what?”_

_“Nothing,” Bucky smiled, squeezing his hand a little, “I just really love you sometimes.”_

_“Yeah, okay,” Clint laughed, immediately continuing with his jokes about the movie._

_Later that night when they laid in bed together, Bucky was long since asleep, Clint couldn’t get the words out of his head. He was already in too deep and didn’t know how he was supposed to turn things around, because he just couldn’t let Bucky be in love with him. He didn’t want that love declaration to start their relationship on its’ inevitable downward spiral._

_But love was a ticking time bomb for Clint, and he knew that that “I love you” started the end of them too.  
_  
\--

Clint laughs from his position at the table he still hasn’t moved from, watching Hunter strike out always cheers him up. He turns to Nat, “he just never learns does he?”

Nat watches him back with a frown, not replying.

“Did you hear me Nat? Hunter just got turned down again. She looked like she was gonna slap him,” Clint grins around the rim of his beer glass. He places the glass down with a laugh, and folds his hands around it while he waits for Nat to respond. 

“Yeah, that’s nice,” she replies absently.

Clint frowns, he shifts in his seat a little, uncomfortable. “I mean I wouldn’t really say it’s nice.”

“Did they hurt you?” she asks suddenly, straightening up in her chair to get a better look at him. She has an air about her that makes Clint feel like she’s looking through him. 

“I wasn’t the one about to get slapped?” Clint scratches his neck. He knows something monumental is coming, and he’s trying his best to detract her line of thought.

“No, the reason you won’t date anyone.”

Clint turns his head away sharply, “you know I don’t talk about my past.”

Nat shakes her head, “no, there’s a difference between not talking about your past and just never even getting laid again. You must be so pent up.” She smirks a little. He can tell she’s trying to add a joke to loosen him up, but Clint is nothing if not stubborn.

“I’m not pent up, I have both a right and left hand,” Clint pretends to jerk the air.

“But to just never hook up with anyone again? Did they mess you up that bad?” Nat rubs his forearm gently. “You know you’re my best friend, I just want to help.”

“No, I messed up. It was me, I was the one who fucked up. I let the best thing to ever happen to me walk away, and I’ll never forgive myself for that,” Clint looks down at the table sadly.

Bobbi reaches over to pat his arm, “it’s okay Clint. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen, in the meantime how about we go play some darts or something? The guy over there right now looks like he’s on a streak and it’s about time someone beats him.”

\--  
_  
Bucky was down on one knee and Clint felt frozen with panic._

_He wanted nothing more than to be good enough to marry Bucky, but he just wasn’t. There was no part of him that felt like he would ever be what Bucky needed, and he couldn’t do that to him._

_Clint couldn’t, he wouldn’t, ruin Bucky too. Clint just wasn’t meant for marriage, and he knew he should have ended their relationship long before a proposal, but he had just felt so good for once. He was a selfish man, and he knew that now was the unfortunate time to let Bucky know._

_“Um,” Clint took a step back, scratching his arm absently, “why don’t you go ahead and stand up?”_

_“No,” Bucky stuttered. His face shattered, and he looked to be about two seconds away from breaking down. “Don’t do this to me.”_

_“Buck,” Clint reached out a hand, but closed his fist and dropped his arm before he could touch him. “Bucky, you gotta know I just can’t be that for you.” Clint took a shuddering breath. He knew that he just needed to hold it together long enough for Bucky to understand his point of view. If he got through this conversation, then everything would go back to normal. He thought he could do it, he really thought he could convince him._

_“You can’t do this to me. Clint, please.”_

_“I ruin everything I touch. I just can’t,” Clint took a huge breath, “I just can’t ruin you too.” He shrugged, “besides I’m just not cut out for love. I just, I know that marriage isn’t in the cards for me, not again, and I can’t marry you. I can’t marry_ anyone _. Marriage is…” He fished around for the words, “marriage is this end all be all and it’s a definite end to a life I don’t wish to live. I’m just… I’m just not cut out for it. You get that right?” He needed Bucky to understand that, he needed Bucky to just get it and allow them to still be together. He needed this thing with Bucky to last.  
_  
\--

Clint is always up for some good competition, it’s been awhile since he’s played anyone who is even remotely close to his speed. The last time that happened was probably _him_. Clint turns to Bobbi to say as much when he catches sight of the guy and his breath stops. 

Bobbi frowns at the look on Clint’s face, “uh, Clint, are you okay there? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she waves a hand up and down in front of his face to try and get him to blink.

Nat gasps in shock, “oh my god, is that him? Is that the guy who-”, she’s cut off by Clint’s hand over her mouth.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare.”

Nat raises her hands in front of her, “fine, we won’t say anything, but you should still go say hi at least.”

Clint thinks about it for a minute, he honestly thinks about running over there and Bucky being happy to see him. He thinks about how he could apologize, admit he fucked up and that he’s always loved him, admit that he always _will_ love him. He lets himself imagine that everything would work out between them and that they could finally, truly, be happy together. 

That isn’t what happens. 

That isn’t what happens, because the love of his life is on a date. Clint shouldn’t be surprised, he let the best thing that ever happened to him walk out the door. He said unspeakable things to him, and he deserves to see it all thrown in his face. Why should he expect anything else? 

The worst part is that the guy he’s on a date with looks like a better version of himself. The guy is also over six foot, buff as all heck, and blonde. The difference is that when you look at Clint you can see all of his edges, his scars, his bruises, and he just looks like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. The guy Bucky’s on a date with looks like everything good. He looks like righteousness, power, and the American Dream. He looks like the kind of guy who helps old ladies with their groceries, like the guy you bring home to meet your parents. Hell, if he was running for office, he looks like the kind of guy who would _win_.

So Clint decides he’s going to stay as far from the dart board as possible. Of course, as soon as he decides that, Bucky looks up and spots him. “Oh, shit.”

“Uh, Clint,” Nat shakes Clint’s shoulder, “he looks like he’s coming over here, and honestly he looks like he’s going to murder you.”

\--  
_  
Honestly, Clint shouldn’t have been surprised when Bucky decided that was the last straw. He should have been able to accept that Bucky wanted marriage and the fact that Clint didn’t had felt like a stab to the heart. It was all very logical._

_And, yet._

_Clint had still thought that maybe they could muddle through their relationship together and be happy._

_Of course, it would have been easier to do if he hadn’t denied Bucky during a fucking marriage proposal._

_Bucky had simply rushed past Clint. When he slammed the door behind him Clint had seen the tears. He knew it would be difficult to overcome, but maybe the next day he would walk through the door and be willing to talk about it._

_Clint had never thought Bucky would just shut him out. That Bucky took that as a definite end to their relationship._

_That he wouldn’t even see Bucky again.  
_  
\--

Clint slowly returns his pint back to the table and inhales shakily. He turns his body so he can face Bucky full on. “Hi Buck, you look good.”

Bucky’s face tightens, “you don’t get to say that to me.”

Clint frowns down at the table, “I’m not sure what you mean.”

“You don’t get to sit there and just-” his hands form fists against his thighs, “just tell me I look good and act like nothing happened.”

“But that’s not-,” Clint shakes his head, “nevermind. Uh, so what would you like me to do?”

“Leave.”

Clint looks towards Nat and Bobbi who are both frowning, “I guess I could go, is that okay with you guys?”

Nat looks up from her beer and stares at him, “you’re not leaving. We come here every week. If you leave now when does it stop? When do you get to come back? So no, you’re not leaving.”

“Fine, then I’ll leave,” Bucky storms away.

Clint fights back tears as he reaches back to put on his coat. He never could have imagined that seeing Bucky again would hurt this bad; that he would be shut out again, just like last time.

Nat reaches across the table to grab his wrist, “I thought I just told you not to leave.”

“Nat,” he chokes on the word, “I can’t be here anymore.”

Clint throws a couple twenties on the table and heads for the door. He looks back at Bucky one more time and smiles wistfully.

Bobbi looks at Nat, “God, did Clint cheat on the guy or something? Cause what the fuck?”

“I don’t know, but I’m sure as hell gonna find out.” She gets up and heads across the bar.

Bobbi is quick to follow her, “I bet we can take them if they get violent.”

Nat smirks, “of course we can.” They reach the two guys who seem to be arguing. The blonde doesn’t want to leave and Clint’s ex is hastily shoving his left arm into his sleeve with some difficulty. “Oh no you don’t. No point in leaving now, when you practically kicked Clint outta here.”

“He left?” The blonde glared at his friend, “why the fuck would you kick him out of the bar? I sent you over there to fix things! Bucky, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.”

Bucky froze with one arm sticking out of his jacket, “what?”

“By the way, what did Clint do? Cheat on you or something?” Bobbi placed both of her hands on the table and leaned over it.

“Oh. Um. No, nothing like that.”

She tilted her head at him, “so what was bad enough that you thought you had to kick him out of the bar he practically owns?” 

“You kicked him out of his own bar? Bucky!” The blonde slams his fists against the table.

“Oh don’t look at me like that Steve!” Bucky scoffs, crossing his arms awkwardly, what with his one arm still in his coat sleeve. “What do you mean this is his bar?”

Nat rolls her eyes, the last thing she wants to do is answer asinine questions when she really just wants to go see if her best friend is okay. “When the owner thought they were gonna have to close, Clint gave them the money to remain open. But you keep avoiding the point here, what did he do to you? Kill your dog?”

Bucky grit his teeth, he obviously didn’t want to be having this conversation. “I proposed. He told me he wasn’t fit for marriage. I left.”

“Yeah, there’s more to it than that,” Steve rolls his eyes. “Clint called Bucky everyday for two weeks straight and this idiot,” he waved his hand at Bucky, “screened his calls. They haven’t seen each other since. It’s been like six months.”

“Five,” Bucky bites out.

Bobbi grimaces, “okay so his commitment issues are probably my fault.”

Bucky tilts his head at her, “how?”

“When we got divorced three years ago, he blamed the whole thing on himself. Didn’t matter how many times I told him that we just wouldn’t work out.”

Bucky groans, “yeah that sounds like him.” He runs his fingers through his arm, coat flapping pathetically at his side. 

Nat crosses her arms, “so you gonna fix this? Cause I’ve known Clint for nearly fifteen years now and I’ve never seen him cry until tonight.”

“Fuck,” Bucky starts pulling his other arm into the jacket, “I gotta go.”

“Yeah,” Steve throws his drink back, “you fucking do.”

Bucky doesn’t even look back at them as he runs towards the door.

Bobbi pulls the chair out and plops down into it, “so how do you two know each other?”

Steve extends his hand to her, “I’m Steve, Bucky’s best friend and reluctant roommate as of the breakup. From what it sounds like, neither of them took it so well.”

“Well Steve, if everything works out, I can say that we will probably get to know each other quite well,” Nat pulls out the other chair and gracefully sits down.

\--  
_  
When Bucky didn’t return the next day, or the day after that, Clint knew he had fucked up. Bucky was his whole world, and yeah he couldn’t ruin the guy with marriage, but he was willing to do a lot of other shit to keep him in his life._

_So Clint called. He called and he didn’t stop. He called everyday for two straight weeks, and he would have continued to call if Bucky hadn’t blocked his number._

_When his number was blocked, he went to Bucky’s parents’ house. They turned him away with barely a second glance. They hadn’t even listened to a single word Clint said._

_That was it, it was really over. Clint would forever regret not just giving in, because even though he didn’t want to get married, at least it would have kept Bucky in his life._  
  
\--

Bucky walks out of the bar and swings his head back and forth trying to figure out where Clint’s gone. He can barely see anything with the way the rain is pounding against the pavement, but he sees someone huddled against the side of the building to the left so he heads over to ask if maybe they saw anything. 

When he gets closer to the person he can see that they’re shaking. He’s about to turn away in case they didn’t want him to interrupt their private moment, when he notices that the person crying is Clint. He takes a deep breath and steps closer, “Clint?”

Clint looks up at him, wiping a shaky hand over his face. “What’s the point in making me leave if you were just going to follow me out here anyways?”

Bucky ignores his question, “why didn’t you go home?”

“I tried,” he waves his phone at Bucky, “the Uber is still five minutes away.”

“You could have waited inside the bar at least.”

Clint frowns, “you and I both know that I couldn’t.”

Bucky wraps his arms around himself, then unwraps them in case Clint takes this move as aggression. “Look, I was just-,” he waves his hand in the air. He frowns as he tries to think of the right word. What would he even say? He was scared, lonely, heartbroken, angry? None of them even come close to encompassing everything he’s feeling right now. “I just didn’t know how to be around you anymore.”

“It’s okay. I don’t know how to do that either,” Clint shrugs pathetically. He always feels weak in Bucky’s presence, like he’s struggling not to drown in his feelings. Bucky makes him oddly vulnerable and he’s never been quite sure if he likes it or not.

Bucky’s face hardens, “don’t do that!”

Clint takes a step back and wraps his arms against himself.

“You don’t get to talk down about yourself. Not everything is your fault.”

“Sure seems like it,” Clint shrugs, taking another step back. “I’m just gonna wait over there for my ride.” He attempts to point behind him, but his arm just falls limply to his side.

Bucky whips his hand out to snag Clint’s arm before he could walk away from him. “Stop running away from me.”

Clint lets out a harsh laugh, “so I’m the one running away now? I’m never enough for you! I tell you my insecurities around marriage and you leave me. I call you constantly and you block my number. I even went by your parents house and they refused to tell me where you were. You don’t get to say I’m always running, when I tried to come back. And now you’re here on a date with someone else and telling me to leave. I get it, I fucked up. I let the love of my life get away from me. I would do _anything_ to get that back. But I won’t stand here and let you say that it was me who ran away, because I tried to come back. It was just never enough for you.”

The Uber turned into the parking lot. Bucky moved in front of Clint before he could move towards the car. “Please.”

Clint shook his head, “I think I should go now.”

“Let me come with you. We don’t even have to go to your house if that makes you uncomfortable. We can go anywhere. I just-,” Bucky reaches his hand towards Clint’s, “I just don’t want to live without you anymore.”

Clint’s shoulders drop, “come on, let’s get in the car. We can see where we can go from here.”

Bucky tries on a weak smile, “yeah, let me just text Steve to let him know where I’m going.”

“That was Steve?” Clint exclaims as he pulls the door closed behind him. “He sure got big.”

Bucky laughs long and hard, “he really did, didn’t he?”

\--

Things aren’t going to go back to the way they were right away. Maybe they never will, but at least they are finally on the right track. It’s not a perfect fix, but nothing ever really is. 

At the end of the day, at least they have each other. And that’s going to be enough.


End file.
